Timing is everything
Did you know that men with bad timing get caught masturbating more often? If you don’t time it right, someone walks in on you. This is science. If you need some advice on how to not get caught read this.
Why is it cool to have sex with some skanky stranger in a plane toilet, but not ok to have a wank under a cover on an aisle seat? The latter will give you zero STIs, much healthier! Also, have you ever seen two underachievers fitting in an EasyJet loo? It would be easier trying to fit my head into a slipper. Plus, where does the jizz go when you flush it down the toilet? Does it drop out the bottom of the plane? If so, it could land on someone's head! Don’t drop jizz on peoples heads!
If you have bad timing, or you’re currently on a red-eye to somewhere, trying to finger the man sleeping next to you, you need to assess your life. To do so, take a moment, have a cocktail and really think about how pathetic you are. If you add alcohol to any thought process, you are 12% more likely to realise that you are without a doubt a loaf of dicksplash.
What's this article about?
So, to the cocktail (this is a cocktail website after all …): Something simple for you of course: a Bucks Fizz. “What’s that?” you don’t ask, because even you know what it is, why it's champagne and orange juice. Plus a garnish of orange peel, or something like that. I’m starting to think that most cocktail garnishes are solely for losers.
As if the cocktail will taste different if you stick a slice of pineapple to the glass. Fuck off with your pineapple (naturally, I'm kidding. I love garnishes. If I don't get a garnish with my cocktail, I leave the bar without paying).
I will honor the therapists' code
If planes are the only places you can achieve an erection, or your flatmate has walked in on your so many times that you just wank in the kitchen now, write to me. I happen to be a qualified therapist (self-qualified) and will keep none of your secrets.